It's just little old me

Team Dyer - we can do it!!!

2011-03-06T19:43:00.004Z

We've survived 8 weeks, can you believe it? And I literally mean we've survived them. Between £40 appointments for Logan at the Osteopath, Ashlyn teething (2 molars magically appeared a few days ago), Ryan working horrific hours, the sleep deprivation, the puking, me crying down the phone begging Ryan to come home early from work because I don't think I'll make it to the end of the day, dreaming about glasses of wine at 2 in the afternoon, microwave meals for supper, cereal bars and cups of tea as my staple diet and endlessly feeling like I'm not cut out to mother more than one child...the guilt has subsided, Ashlyn tells me a dozen times a day she loves me, her tantrums are fewer, Logan is finally smiling at us and not puking after every feed, I've made it through many days without crying and Ryan and I are finally finding time together in the evenings. Ashlyn frequently tells me that she loves her "little brother", Logan searches excitedly for her whenever he hears her voice, I'm figuring out how to feed not only my children but myself during the day and Ryan even got a few home cooked meals this week.

I think I can do this! I know I can do it! I won't be fooled that there will still be bad days, difficult days, trying days and "need a glass of wine in the evening" days but I feel my confidence returning, I'm starting to enjoy my children, I'm learning to live on the least amount of sleep I've ever had and still smile during the day...Life is good, my family is perfect and I'm seeing once again how truly blessed I am. I am content...

One month in...

2011-02-11T07:18:00.004Z

I had all intentions of keeping regular updates on my blog...but life is not how I expected it to be. It's even more crazy. I could really do with a clone of myself - one for my Little Madam and one for my Little Man. Hang on, make that a further two clones so that one can sleep all day and the other can be dressed attractively (without the vomit stained shirt and tired expression) in the evenings for my Hubby.

I'm writing this while my home sleeps...Little Madam and Hubby soundly and Little Man as restless as he is every night. Seems his favourite spot is still on my chest wrapped up snug in a blanket. It's great for him but I don't get much sleep. Working on getting him to like his own bed now so that I can enjoy mine again.

I'm mastering the skill of texting and typing one handed and remembering some tricks from the first time round when our home had a new baby...I even managed to feed Little Man yesterday while playing Barbies with Little Madam. I was super proud of myself for that one.

I'm living off cups of tea, toast and chocolate at the moment. Not complaining. I had a carb fest last night for supper...pizza, chips, lasagne and toffee pie! Healthy food is in my fridge and cupboards but if it's not easily snackable then it gets overlooked.

Little Madam threw a spanner in the works a few days ago and asked me when she can start going to school and she hasn't stopped asking. 15 hours of free nursery will only start for her in January next year so we're busy trying to figure out if we can afford to pay for her to go to preschool a few days a week. Finding a school with space is the first hurdle and then finding the cash will be the next one. We're really hoping we can make a plan for her sake (she really does need the stimulation) and secondly for Little Man so he can have some one-on-one time with me.

There is a large pile of bills and post that I've not worked through, parcels for birthdays that have passed and are passing, a washing basket that just never seems to be emptying and housework that hasn't been done in weeks. It's crazy in this home, I feel I run at 110% all hours of the day, I'm exhausted, costantly hungry but loving every minute of it!!!

Little Man's arrival!

2011-01-18T09:17:00.003Z

Since my last post...life has turned chaotic. Little Man decided last Tuesday evening to almost completely stop moving and then on Wednesday made sure that three different midwives couldn't find his heart beat, allow a sonographer a look at it and then show us all that he's as breech as breech can be. Emergency C-Section that Wednesday evening was scheduled and thank goodness he came out that way. Weighing in at 8 pounds 11 ounces at 38 weeks, my midwife says he could have easily gone over 9,5 pounds if I'd carried full term.

Little Madam is blowing our minds. She is besotted with her brother. Adores him. Is protective of him. Loves him in a way we never expected from a two year old. One of her favourite things is to ask for Lappy Lappy Time (or cuddles). I'm giving most of the credit to my beautiful girl just simply having a beautiful heart but I do think all the weeks and months of effort have paid off and helped prepare her for the changes. There are still wobbly moments where we can see she needs a bit more attention and love...but all in all the adjustment process is going so smoothly.

Must say though, that nothing prepares the parents for the transition from one child to two. It doesn't matter how much you read, you've just got to wing it!

By Jove! I think she's getting it!

2011-01-10T15:23:00.003Z

I'm still pregnant, much to all of our disappointment. Hubby returned to work today and even his fellow employees were disappointed to hear there was no Little Man. Hip pain and pelvis pains are increasing, my grumpiness is increasing, exhaustion from lack of sleep is increasing...only thing decreasing is the number of days to my due date but still no sign of labour. I do realise that I'm being impatient with just under 2 weeks til I'm technically due but seriously this kid feels like he's making the great descent everyday.

My Little Madam has become such an amazing helper to me. Yesterday afternoon, I was battling quite a bit with pains in my pelvis and she found my exercise ball and rolled it to me, asking if mommy needed her ball. I do catch her on occassion, holding her hips and back like I do and complaining of pains. Nevermind a Hubby suffering from sympathy pregnancy, I think my 2-year-old is.

Hubby has been reading The New Baby by Anna Civardi to Little Madam every evening before bed. I say reading, but he's only showing her the pictures and renaming all the characters to members of our home to try help her understand. This morning's choice of activity by Little Madam involved climbing into my bed with a pile of books and snuggling up together while reading. One of the books she brought with was The New Baby. It was my first time looking through it with her and it was amazing what she has taken in. It's almost like she understands that when her granny arrives and mommy's tummy is sore that our Little Man will be coming out of mommy's tummy soon. To build the excitement I've been telling Little Madam that when her brother comes out of mommy's tummy, daddy will be on holiday again for 2 weeks. That alone gets her excited and also ready for mommy to go to hospital.

I'd highly recommend this book, nomatter what age your first born is. It explains it all so well and if your little one is as little as ours, you can just rename the characters like we've done.

Pregnancy Blues

2011-01-03T13:58:00.002Z

This post is late because we've had a rubbish week....all began on Tuesday morning.

Little Madam walked up to my belly in a completely random moment and told her brother to come out NOW and then walked away and carried on playing. We didn't think too much of it til I couldn't sleep that night because of severe back ache and cramps just like period pains. After tossing and turning, getting up, sitting on Facebook and then heading back to bed I dozed off for a few hours. Wednesday, I had a check-up. My midwife confirmed that Little Man is engaged and that labour would be anyday now (with second children, apparently babies only engage when labour has begun). Excitedly, I drove home like a maniac, phoned my parents and told them to be ready to come down and look after Little Madam and then paced my home like a mad women getting all the final things ready. On and off all week, I've been cramping, aching and thinking maybe, just maybe, this set of Braxton Hicks would bring on the real thing...alas, it's Monday, I'm 37 weeks, and I'm still the same. I have scoured the internet, read every pregnancy website and tried every method mentioned to induce labour. Nothing is working. I've even tried wearing my favourite underwear, my nicest clothes and best maternity jeans...I'm really starting to get the pregnancy blues.

We've managed to find the perfect gift for our Little Madam for when her brother arrives. I love the sales around now! It's a doll set with carry basket, changing bag, nappy, change of clothes, bottle, dummy and a few extra accessories. We can't wait to give it to her. Know she is going to love it.

Tonight's plan involves a long soak in a bubble bath with a small glass of red wine, followed by some other tricks that I've read about...if you know what I mean...although, I am resolving myself to the fact that I may just have to wait it out for another 3 weeks.

Almost 36 weeks now....

2010-12-23T10:08:00.002Z

It's been an uneventful week. Hubby is finally on leave but he began it in style with a horrid case of the flu. from Sunday night. Him and Little Madam have spent most of the week whimpering around asking for medicine and cuddles and sweets and chocolate. Today at least they both seem to be on the mend. I have considered running away on more than one occassion but have resisted. My reward is this afternoon. I booked myself into a salon for their pregnancy pamper package. Two hours of treatments. I can't wait. Definitely what every mom who is expecting her second, third or more child should book herself in for. I'm thinking of it as the lull before the storm/the final countdown/the homestretch...however you want to refer to it.

Oooh, and I found this lovely video on the CBeebies website this morning, purely by accident, on the different stages of pregnancy for a child to understand. It's a bit too involved for my Little Madam but it's sweet none the less. I loved the way it broke the pregnancy up into stages and short videos. Easy for a young child to watch. Possibly even creating opportunities for fun activities after. How about getting your child to draw pictures of how mommy's tummy is growing and ones of how big the baby is at the different stages and have it as a timeline on their wall. I found this link that compares the baby's size to fruit. Would be great for helping your child to understand why mommy's tummy is growing like it is.

Off to bake some mince pies now...Christmas isn't Christmas without them...have a merry one everyone.

A new direction - what to expect when you're expecting #2

2010-12-16T12:57:00.004Z

2010 - the year we decided to extend our family from 3 to 4...after 5 months of trying the wish came true. We were pregnant with our second child. We were over the moon! Thrilled! Excited! You name it! When we found out we would have our perfect pigeon pair we thought that life couldn't get any better...but what a pregnancy!

I spent hours in the evenings and during Little Madam's naps searching online for webpages, articles, anything that could give me insight into what it would be like growing your family, preparing your other child/children, preparing yourself. Each one seemed to say the same thing. Nothing was relevant or provided me with something that made me go "that would work for my family!" so during one of my countless late night trips to the loo I thought to myself "I have a blog. Why not give MY experience for other moms to read!" This is the beginning of the new journey for "It's just little old me"

For those finding this for the first time, I'm almost 35 weeks pregnant with our Little Man. It's been a rotten pregnancy with me developing SPD at 17 weeks. I've tried pain killers, tried the SPD belt, tried the crutches...just waiting it out now in the hope of some relief after Little Man arrives. Little Madam turned two last month...she is a joy to Hubby and I. My pregnancy with her conned us into thinking this one would be easy too. We live in a two-bedroom terrace with sweet little old neighbours. I stay home while Hubby earns the "big bucks".

We've tried to prepare our Little Madam for the arrival of her brother and we really thought it was starting to sink in. She pats the belly, kisses the belly, says good-bye to the belly and even asks for Little Man to kick her sometimes but she hasn't grasped that Little Man will come out of the belly. She understands that mommy is sore most of the time and that her room is slowly being taken over by little blue things but hasn't protested much to any of it. To her oblivious parents we thought she was accepting it all really well. After a baby shower thrown for me with plenty of gifts, none for Little Madam, the truth was revealed...she has no clue! Little Man is just a figment of all of our imaginations who has received toys and clothes that she's not allowed to play with or dress her dolls up in. He has a name but no face and to her is possibly just a game we play, and not a very nice one either.

Our strategy has had to change and obviously quite quickly as time is running out. We've increased our affection towards Little Madam. I show her my hospital bag and all the items inside of it and what they are for. I now explain that in too many sleeps for her to count, mommy will go see the doctor and he'll take Little Man out of mommy's tummy and mommy will come home with her baby brother. She comes with to my midwife appointments and I talk her through everything that is going on. I compare our family to Peppa Pig's (she is our hero after all) and how Little Madam with have a little brother like Peppa has George. We coddle her like a baby and tell her over and over she'll always be our favourite daughter and little girl. Reinforcing our love to banish the insecurity and unsettling is our priority. We are setting in motion special time with mommy and daddy which will carry through after Little Man is born. We're hoping this will work. Each day brings a new challenge to cope with in preparing her...let alone preparing ourselves. Hubby has been buried so deep in work I don't even think he realises that in a few weeks he'll be providing for another mouth to feed. His leave for the Christmas season starts next Wednesday. I'm expecting him to fall into a complete panic as reality dawns on him. I, on the other hand, lie awake some evenings thinking about all the sleep I will miss, how my boobs will no longer by my own and wondering how on earth am I going to figure out this whole parenting two children thing.

I'll check in once a week and let you know what's working....

Caffeine withdrawals, anyone want to swop for a bit?

2010-06-04T11:38:00.003+01:00

Those that know me know I love my tea...infact I cannot live without my daily quota (about 5 mugs). I'm one of those who requires a cup before getting out of bed otherwise beware the wrath!

During my last pregnancy, Ryan put me on tea rations for every trimester. None for the first trimester, 1 cup a day for the second and 2 cups a day in the third. I tried Rooibos, before anyone asks, and just the smell of the stuff was vile enough to turn my stomach. I dreamt of tea, I craved tea, I smelt other people's tea when they weren't looking. I felt it was a punishment to be denied my true joy in life...

This time around, the site of the stuff makes me feel ill. I've gone completely off it...and what does that result in. Caffeine withdrawal. The headaches are awful, the tea jar is full, the Ovaltine is being digested faster than anything else in this house. Oooh the pain! And the irony, Ryan is not applying tea rationing this time around...go figure!

Oh please, dear taste buds, bring back my love of tea....

Old or what?

2010-04-06T12:37:00.004+01:00

I sat tweezing my eyebrows a few days ago, when a faint crease under my left eye caught me by surprise. After a bit more inspection, I realised that this crease had a few friends, some around my right eye. Aghast, I noticed that some of these creases were not from my pillow case but were in fact the beginnings of wrinkles and they were beginning to show on my forehead too!!!!! (Gasp, shock, horror!) I'm only 26!!!

I remember being in my early teens and thinking those in their 20's were old, never mind those in their 30's and 40's because that was how old my folks were roughly. Late teens, those in their 20's were so "cool" and I couldn't wait to be there. Early 20's were fun and full of freedom, independence, being legally allowed to drink, smoke and do whatever I pleased. Most of my friends were late 20's, early 30's and they were still fun to hang out with.

So when did 26 begin to feel old? When in my panic-stricken state I convinced myself that my hair had a greyish tinge, when I examined my wardrobe and realised that I've started pulling my pants up so high that they're almost touching my belly-button and that my tops cover more flesh than they ever have. Those who knew me in my teens know that I paid half price for my tops and skirts because they were so short and hardly covered anything!

I know your age is often in your mind so I need to change perspective...maybe buy some skimpy clothes...no! Won't be doing that! Possibly take a trip to a theme park this weekend, ride a few rollercoasters, probably throw up in a few dozen bins, eat junk food and generally remind myself that I don't need to behave like a OAP*! Some who are 26 are still single, skinny, flirtatious...I can try for two of those if I work hard!

So easy to get caught up in my SAHM routine...help ladies! How do you keep yourself feeling young, not that I'm old, but I feel old, but I'm not. Argh!

*Old Age Pensioner

No longer a baby

2010-03-18T14:49:00.003Z

She pouts, she frowns, she stomps around, she smacks things when she's angry, she whines, she giggles, she poses...she is a little girl.

I've noticed it approaching for a while now - my little baby is showing me that she is now a little girl who wants what little girls want. Make-up, a mobile phone, bracelets, a handbag and plenty of necklaces!

She stands in front of my bedroom mirror and poses with my mobile phone.
My make-up is frequently spread all over my bed with signs that Ashlyn has been trying to apply it (can generally also tell by the faint stain of lipstick on her lips).
When things don't go her way, she stomps down the passage to her bedroom and sulks.
She likes to put body lotion on her face and hands, like mommy.
She likes to see how she looks, holding a mug sipping "tea". (caught her doing that today).
She waves at everyone in the grocery store, with a big smile that charms even the grumpiest of men.
When I ask for a kiss, she frowns and shakes her head, then realises that wasn't very nice and gives me a cuddle instead.
She's manipulative - mommy says no, so she cries to daddy to see if he'll say yes.
She's just learnt how to pretend to sneeze.
She loves to wiggle her hips when she dances.
She flirts with boys! (Took her to the pool the other day and couldn't get her to stop staring at the lifeguard).

She wants to be a big girl! I do worry what the teenage years will bring if this is what we've got already.

Despite the bad days and long days, God wasn't joking or being sarcastic when He said children were a blessing from a Him. They're a special gift, priceless, timeless, irreplaceable....

Broodiness....

2010-02-11T13:49:00.004Z

For those that don't know as yet....Ryan and I have begun, in a very relaxed style, to try for numero two-o! I lie awake some nights, with sheer panic flooding me, thinking we must be nuts but the broodiness of late, is overbearing and slightly out of control. To make matters worse, everywhere I look these days women are due to pop any second, just popped or just found out that in nine months time they will pop. The poor hubby is at a loss for words and encouragement when it's all I want at the moment too. Recently I didn't speak to him for a WHOLE HOUR or so because we'd found out that yet another friend of ours was pregnant. He just can't win - that may be why he was the one that suggested I go off the pill...hhhhmmmm.

I've found that everything I did during the first time, I've forgotten how to this time. I've even had to visit pregnancy sites to remind myself. Chatting to a friend the other day we were discussing Folic Acid, multi-vitamins and all the rest that comes with preparing yourself. Funny how, you do it once and suddenly you're so much more relaxed. I remember how paranoid I was before I fell pregnant with Ashlyn about preparing myself. These days, it's a good one if my teeth get a clean, hair gets brushed and I look fairly respectable when I walk out the door - never mind following the diets, taking the pills and preparing myself...hello, toddler in tow!

I do recollect though, from a certain time in 2008 that when the broodiness got this bad, I was infact already preggers with Little Madam Ashlyn. Wouldn't that make life much simpler but doubt it.

Watch this space...hopefully, it'll be sooner rather than later :)

Insecurity

2009-10-06T15:15:00.006+01:00

I've been desperately seeking something new to write about. As much as I could write on Ashlyn all day and the cute things that she does, I've been wanting to find something else. Besides Exmi and Margot do such better jobs at the parenting blogs!

So, after two weeks of throwing a massive pity party for myself, I realised that I could invite almost all of the female population to it. Damn insecurity!!!

I've been delving into the last decade of my life, heaving out the old memories and digging up the things people have said to me and done to me that I thought I'd dealt with but in fact had stored in a special little corner of my mind. You know, the things people have said and done that you use as back-up for the faults in your own life. "I behave in such a way because "so-and-so" called me this back in 19-footsack". I have so many of those that I've used on relationships that I can't believe I'm still allowed out in sunlight. I'm surprised that I'm not a complete basket-case...well, maybe I am in some ways. I decided that it would be out with the old and in with the new and so I began to deal with these issues in my life...that just opened up a huge can of crazy.

I think we think we're alone in our insecurities and that no one could possibly understand but, especially women, we share more of them than we realise. We base our self-worth on how our husbands treat us, our jobs, our children's behaviour and how much affection we get from them, which friends call us and how often and whether we're wearing clothes that are smaller than a size 14. But something I've become so aware of this week is that as women, we set our standards of ourselves so low. Our security stems from our identity which results in our purpose and if we feel our purpose in life isn't an important one then voila! Insecurity!

I've wondered though what we possibly gain from filling ourselves up with these insecurities. They don't make us feel better about ourselves, they don't serve a positive purpose...they do us no good!

So, as women, I think we need to realise that we are worth so much more than the world actually gives us credit for. We have a higher purpose to fulfill, one that no man could do (thus making us the perfect companion for men). We are unique, special and our emotions should be a tool that use to help others instead of a weapon that we often use on ourselves.

I'm not one for mantras but of late I keep reminding myself that:

I am important

I'm here for a reason

I'm unique and I can't expect everyone to like me

Psalm 139: 17 - 18

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God! They are innumerable! I can't even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake in the morning, you are still with me!"

5 and a half months...

2009-07-29T10:57:00.002+01:00

...is not how old Ashlyn is but how long we've been doing the immigration thing.

For 5 and a half months we've:
Lived out of suitcases
Slept in someone else's bed
Shared a room with Ashlyn
Ate someone else's cooking
Lived in someone else's home
Fought wildly due to the frustration and stress of all the moving
Learnt to accept so much more about each other than ever before
Seen our relationships with others go through tough times but in the end grow stronger

As of tomorrow, we will...
Have our clothes in a cupboard
Sleep in our own bed
Have Ashlyn in her own room
Do my own cooking
Go grocery shopping
Fight and not worry about who can hear us
Spend time mending the damage to our relationship from all the stress

It's been a long 5 and a half months but we've grown, matured, compromised, sacrificed and learnt to really and truly love each other no matter what has happened. We're exhausted from this year. It's been really tough and there have been times when we've both wanted to crawl under a rock and stay there for a while. But....so starts the new leg of this adventure. Doing things completely on our own again. We're more petrified than ever before. Leaving SA was the easy part, we just had to get on a plane, now we're stepping out of the comfort of a "nest" and trying out our wings again.

Wish us luck!

The neglected blog

2009-07-03T09:58:00.005+01:00

Life is just crazy at the moment. The Germany fiasco (trying to organise visas and tickets in enough time) seemed to drag on for weeks but with it behind me now I can focus on finding Ryan and I (and Ashlyn of course) a home. I can't explain how excited I am about having my own kitchen again, my own home to clean and my own groceries to buy (just so you don't think we're shockers, we give my folks rent each month to cover our living expenses). I spend my free time dreaming up decor ideas and colour schemes and how I'll spend my days with Ashlyn. I'm just short of dressing like Martha Stewart.

Ashlyn's personality is coming through more each day. I'm starting to be a little frightened at the genes that are apparent in her, particularly from my side of the family. She is a drama-queen deluxe who laps up the attention of anyone. Her particular favourite of late is to tilt her head sideways, in a flirtatious way, and smile. This gets attention from even the most child-avoiding types. At the wedding, there was one particular person who wasn't too interested in Ashlyn. She chose him as her mission for the evening. Eventually, I told him that if he just smiled at her once, she'd leave him alone. And true to my word, he gave Ashlyn a smile and she ignored him for the rest of the evening. Ashlyn has also discovered, to her sheer delight, that she can clap her hands and so whenever she does something that she thinks is quite smart, with her toys, she looks to see who is watching her and then claps. And then there is the wave hello or good-bye. It's more of an arm-stretch with all her fingers spread widely but it has a way of pulling on anyone's heart strings. When saying our farewells to Ryan's family at the airport, in Germany on Sunday, Ryan's mom, obviously struggling with saying good-bye again to her first grandchild, gave Ashlyn a kiss and a cuddle and was feeling semi-composed at saying goodbye until I told Ashlyn "say bye-bye to nanna!" well, little Ashlyn stretched out her arm, waved her hand and smiled through her dummy. Even I couldn't hold back the tears!

But, there is another side to this beautiful child and her dramatic, attention seeking ways that not everyone sees. The side that has started to push my hands away from her in the bath when I tell her for the umpteenth time that she needs to sit so I can wash her or she'll fall. The side that throws things when I tell her she can't chew on them or suck them (namely remotes, cell phones and books) and that smacks the ground when I put her down to play because she'd rather be carried all day like royalty. But the personal favourite that all of those close to her enjoy is her "I'm going to cry RIGHT NOW" face. Teaching the word no to her has been horrific. The face gets pulled, with a bit of a whinge and she opens her eyes to see what response it's getting. I am now cold to it but it still gets Ryan and other family members. I feel this face needs to be shown to the world so they can be aware that little Ashlyn's heart hasn't been shattered when something is taken away from her or when she is told no but rather it is the beginning of the art of manipulation. If I wasn't so appauled at her doing it so early in life, I might actually be proud of her (jokes!)

The metaphorical bun...

2009-06-03T12:33:00.000+01:00

Ashlyn is napping at the moment - it's glorious. The house is quiet, I've eaten lunch (for a change) and I couldn't be bothered to do anything partly because my mind is racing and I don't think today is a good day for multi-tasking crazy thought with actions.

I brought up the possibility of me going back on the pill this morning as I'm no longer breastfeeding and well it's the cleanest and easiest method of protection. Ryan called himself old-fashioned and announced that he doesn't like the idea of my body having extra hormones pumped into it just to stop me falling pregnant again (I think he's remembered our honeymoon all too well when I'd just started taking the pill and I became the Oestrogen Monster and growled at him every time he tried to enter my personal space). He then asked when I thought we'd start for #2 as he had thought it wouldn't be too far into the future!

Yes, you read correctly - Ryan wants to knock me up / start preheating the oven / impregnate me / water the seed (again!) and in the not too distant future. I was all set to book an appointment today, get a prescription and hope the hormones wouldn't turn me too crazy but now, we're going to chat tonight... Does he not remember the lack of sleep whilst pregnant, the swollen feet, the backache, the LABOUR, THE AFTERBIRTH, THE STITCHES, the first weeks of BREASTFEEDING! I DO!!!

Before Ashlyn was born, we'd thought about maybe trying in early 2010 and that would put Ashlyn at around 2 when the next arrived but currently I'm thinking that might be too soon. Too many of the scary things are too fresh in my mind still, but I would love another child around the house, but one is hard work how will I cope with two, I'm sure I'd figure it all out (many women have more than one child, some have half a dozen), "oy vey" this is too much for a Wednesday. See why I'm not doing anything today!

Wish us luck as we plan our future this evening! Decide on age-gaps and make decisions that sometimes I wish we didn't need to make...Will let you know the outcome! In the meantime though, what do you consider a good age-gap?

The many sounds of ma....

2009-05-19T22:19:00.000+01:00

Ashlyn has expanded her vocabulary to include the sounds of ma, ba and ga. To my utter delight, the first one to be repeated was ma coming out more like "mam mam mam mam" The bliss of this moment will be remembered forever especially as I tried desperately to console Ryan, whilst trying to hide my pride, that her first word (per say) was ma and not da. I lavished in my child looking at me and repeating it over and over until I realised that infact the sound of ma refers to pretty much anything and depending on her tone refers to her mood more than a term of endearment towards her mother.

The 5am "maam maam maam" interjected with squeals and "bab bab gag gag" means "I'm awake, someone feed me, entertain me and make me smile!"

The meal time "mum mum mum" only occurs when Ashlyn is enjoying her food. It may have developed from me repeating "yum yum" while encouraging her to eat the one more mouthful that I'm shovelling into her mouth when it's open. I would like to brag that I cannot get a word in when she is eating her veggies in the evening due to the amount of joy that sweet potatoes, peas and chicken provoke.

There's the "mem mem mem" during nappy change that occurs much faster and is accompanied by a frown, or foot in mouth, or leg down my top kicking my boobs or the pooh face...which inevitably means hurry up woman!

My personal favourite, probably because I hear it the most and can now tell when it is coming, is the "maaaam maaaaam maaaam" led by the frown, the I'm-about-to-cry face and the hands being smacked against anything that will make some sort of a bang sound. This occurs when Ashlyn is not happy with the toys placed in front of her, or when being removed from her bath and forced to wear clothes or being put down for a nap....or or or...anything, that as a girl, doesn't make her happy. Ok, I confess, the reason this is my favourite is the behaviour is exactly how I am when I don't get my own way. Ryan doesn't full comprehend what he's in for when Ashlyn is a little older. I try to warn him but I don't think he fully gets it yet.

My own little mini-me makes me proud. She is her mother's child.

Who to trust...

2009-05-06T19:25:00.000+01:00

NHS - The National Healthcare System in the UK should stand for Not Helping the Sick.

To be honest, when we were making our plans to move to the UK, I was thrilled at the thought of free medical and free medicine for Ashlyn. I honestly thought the grass would be greener on this side, in that regard...SHOCK! HORROR! I've found that the grass is in fact straw. The type that is uncomfortable to sit on and is generally thrown away and not used for anything.

Ryan has been sick, I have been sick, Ashlyn has been sick. Ryan went to the local clinic, took 2 minutes with a nurse practitioner (a cold isn't a serious enough ailment to see a doctor) and received antibiotics. Ashlyn and I go yesterday, also to a nurse practitioner and I am advised for both of us to just take Ibuprofen and hope for the best - Ashlyn has an ear infection and I have a viral infection (surprised I wasn't quarantined as a possible case of Swine Flu). Ashlyn has almost cried non-stop for the last 24 hours. Ibuprofen has done nothing to help. Ryan, in a fury, marched to the closest chemist last night hoping that possibly they would offer some better advice - not bloody likely in this country. There are horrific stories I've heard of children dying due to this lack of concern.

I'm feeling somewhat like I've travelled to a parallel universe. Where in South Africa, you pay for your doctor's visit they at least seem to take you seriously and give you medicine to make you better. Here, paying taxes seems to get your ears, throat and breathing checked and advice on how much Ibuprofen you can take. I laughed when the sister at our last South African clinic visit, advised stocking up on medicine for Ashlyn. She told me that the British Healthcare System is very hesitant in handing out medicine. I bought the basics, and now I'm wishing I'd heeded her words of wisdom so much more.

My patience has been tested, our faith in the health system here is being tested and our strength to push through all of this illness is being tested. We've just given Ashlyn her third dose of Ibuprofen for the day, I've stood in a steam-room of a shower with her while she screamed like a banshee and we ended with a bowl of boiled water with some eucalyptus drops in it. All was cleared til we put her down in her cot and the blockage returned. I'm considering a trip to the ER tonight to get her nebulised and checked out there. Hopefully, someone will take me seriously...

Extra note: I do understand that there are many that have benefited from the free health care in the UK and I, in no way, mean this blog post as a general condemnation on the system. It is merely my own opinion at present. When I have a good story to tell, it'll be on my blog.

Wisdom as I know it!

2009-04-18T20:15:00.000+01:00

Been a while since I wrote, with obvious reasons...

We've started to settle into life in the UK. Ryan is 2 people away from having a job (a position he really wants is between him and two other chaps, second interviews happen this Friday). We're still staying with my folks (it's not been as bad as I expected) and life seems to be becoming something of normal for the first time in weeks.

Having lived in a new country and with family for quite a while now with a baby who changes personality and clothing size almost everyday, I have 10 pearls of wisdom I'd like to share...

1. When you stop breastfeeding, your boobs don't instantly shrink back to their pre-pregnancy size (dammit!)

2. Your mother, nomatter how old you are, will at times insist on coming into a changing room with you to make sure your clothes are suitable and then comment at the top of her voice about how she can see that the 38DD bra is too small for you and you require a E cup!

3. Husbands learn to sleep through crying babies, infact they can snore through a crying baby

4. Never wear your best jeans or white pants when feeding your child a rusk or orange veggies. The stains are horrid to get out.

5. Changing a baby's nappy on a bed can prove hazardous to the bedding and your hands. Case in point, Ashlyn did not only a number 1 but a number 2 as I was removing a dirty nappy. It went everywhere, the bedding was soaked

6. Pyjamas are suitable attire when you don't have to go anywhere during the day plus they create less washing for messy babies discovering solids.

7. All the walking in the UK is great for the figure, the cheap chocolate digestives and Cornettos every evening are not!

8. Co-sleeping can prove hazardous to your sanity! If for instance you awake during the night, wake hubby up, hand him baby to put back in her cot only to wake up a bit more and realise that the two of you look like absolute idiots playing mime games and baby has been asleep in her own bed the whole time! Or, wake hubby up shouting at him because he's rolled on top of baby while you were both sleeping and once again finding that baby was always in her cot.

9. When going out shopping, in the UK, make sure you know how to use the rain cover for the pram prior to leaving the house otherwise you'll look like a twit standing in the High Street trying to figure out which is the front and back.

10. One cannot read a map for their hubby and entertain a baby whilst attempting to drive to unknown areas. You'll end up getting lost!

Of course, there's plenty more that I've learnt over the last month of being here but some of it would just be TMI* and although I'm known for a good overshare, there are people that may read this who would be horrified! If you want more, I can tell you...

From bad mommy...To I get that from my dad!

2009-04-03T10:43:00.000+01:00

To all the ladies who did such a wonderful job of making me feel better through this week, I am eternally grateful. Your kind words, encouragement and honesty gave me the boost that I needed.

I took so much from what was said and realised that I am too hard on Ashlyn. As a parent, even at just under 5 months old, I am already expecting Super Star qualities from her. I've been watching my dad over the last 3 weeks and how he interacts with my brother and sister and so many memories of when I lived at home have come to mind of how my dad pushes us to do better. I've seen now, that you tend to parent how you were parented. I know from what my mom has told me, that my grandfather was hard my dad growing up. My dad would achieve 98% for an exam and my grandfather would criticise him for not getting 100%. Nothing less than perfection was expected of him. My dad does not expect that from us but for him, I think, that was how he felt my grandfather showed that he loved him and so does the same to his children. In turn, that is how I knew my dad loved me, and so I do the same to Ashlyn.

I'm critical of my parenting all the time...so much, that I think I've been robbing myself of the joy that being a mother is and thus causing my own unhappiness and stress. I try to impress my parents and in-laws and see their questioning of my parenting as them disapproving. Do I want my children to be stuck in this same situation or do I want them to know what it's like to feel approval even when they don't succeed? I see such a freedom in Ryan with Ashlyn. He isn't concerned what others think, and he loves Ashlyn and cherishes her for exactly who she is, not what milestones she should be reaching or for the new thing she does...but for her little personality coming through and her bashfulness around strangers and her little laugh that is just starting to come through.

So, I'm choosing to let go...to enjoy Ashlyn...to be free to parent as I choose...and to let Ashlyn be who is she going to be. I'm putting down the Baby books, might not go onto some of the parenting sites I spend all my time researching (will still YP though) and I'm going to go with the flow. I've heard so much of late, that the mother sets the mood of the home and in all honesty, I'm surprised my family is still in such good nick. Who knows, maybe I'll sleep better, maybe Ashlyn will sleep better and maybe that little laugh of hers will become a stream of giggles one day soon.

Ladies, look out...there's a new improved mommy in town!

Sleep....I need sleep!

2009-03-27T08:55:00.000Z

I am finished, physically my body is aching and mentally and emotionally I feel an idiot. Crying at the drop of a hat and barely able to make sentences that others can understand. This is the result of a baby that won't sleep. I am feeling so sorry for myself.

The new evening routine consists of me getting up almost every hour to pop Ashlyn's dummy back in until 2am when I am beyond all reason, I shout at Ryan (because he's slept through it all so far, inclusive of snoring and talking in his sleep) and I tell him to take over, he shouts back, I cry, Ashlyn squeals because everyone's awake and then Ryan tries to rock her to sleep until 5am when it's time to get up. Solids aren't working, late night feeds do nothing...you ask then, what the problem is - wretched teeth!

Last night was quite funny though. We're sleeping in my sister's room while staying with my folks. Her double bed is against the wall but with a pillar that sticks out slightly so the bed is not flush up against the wall. Last night, I woke Ryan up to tell him it was his turn to look after Ashlyn so he sat up, peered down the gap between the bed and the wall and said he couldn't see her! I had to remind him that Ashlyn sleeps in her cot at the foot of the bed, not under the bed!

I've tried to keep my sense of humour, I maintain a smile during the day, heck I've even flaunted a bit of sexy underwear for the hubby but I've lost it all this morning...Upon waking, Ashlyn has a blocked nose, Ryan has a cold, my mother has a cold and my sister has an ear infection. That leaves my brother, father and myself the only ones still standing!

I'm in for one hell of a weekend! Wish me luck!

P.S. For those that don't know and think we're a little lame, we've just immigrated to the UK and are staying with my family while looking for our own place and finding work

Too tired to give a title...this is my pity post!

2009-03-24T10:11:00.000Z

Exhaustion:
1. Physical fatigue which is the inability to continue functioning at the level of one's normal abilities
2. Mental fatigue which is decreased wakefulness or just a general decrease of attention.

I have attempted for 3 days now to write on my blog but I lose concentration after a few minutes and walk away from the computer, when I return, I delete all that I wrote and start again. This has been a cycle with the day ending by me saying "Tomorrow, I'll write something!" It never happens.

Ashlyn is refusing to sleep through. It's so difficult because when she wakes almost every hour during the night, she isn't an unhappy baby. She's infact the contrary; gurgling, laughing and kicking her legs in the air. I hate being the ogre that walks to her cot, shoves her dummy in her mouth and tells her to go back to sleep. Twice now, I've lost my temper and shouted at her. I feel terrible in the morning when I'm fully conscious and I realise how my little girl, who doesn't know any better, was shouted at AGAIN by her inconsiderate mother. I don't know how Ryan does it. He's always so calm and happy. Sometimes I want to tell him to be grumpy just to make me feel better about myself.

One begins to understand, after 40 days of sharing a room with Ashlyn (who slept in her own room from 3 weeks old), how sleep deprivation can be a form of torture. I can't remember when last I slept for more than 2 hours at a time. I love my child unconditionally but 40 days of room-sharing is just about enough. I need us to have our own rooms again for my sanity's sake.

It all reminds me of how so many women told me that you have to be hard-core to be a mother. You hear mothers talk about a lack of sleep but you don't realise that it becomes a way of life. I remember the days when Ryan and I would go to bed around 8pm and sleep until 11am. I think I would consider all of that sleep way too much now. Thing is, after reading Tara's post about how involved dad's are, I think it should be changed to you needing to be hardcore to be a parent!

Do I sound like a brat asking for a little sleep? Am I being inconsiderate? Am I about ready to delete everything I've written again...Aaarggh!

So, after having walked away from the computer three times now, had a bit of lunch and a cup of tea, I'm turning this from a pity post to a declaration that states that involved parents are the strongest people in the world who deserve medals for their commitment and determination. They deserve free babysitting, commendations for being sociable even when they're tired and lots of hugs!

To all the parents out there, who are doing a better job than me...repeat after me and insert your name where relevant:

I, insert name here, am the perfect parent for my child. I am doing a good job, despite the bad days and no one can tell me differently. I am hardcore. I am strong.

Now give yourself a hug...I just did!

Reflections

2009-03-17T19:51:00.000Z

Shucks, I feel rusty at this...started a post more than once today but never quite got beyond the first couple of words...not even sure where to begin, how to begin or what to say but I know that blogging is like riding a bicycle, one never forgets (or so I hope).

Life is so different, having lived for the last month under roofs not my own, I'm now sitting in a country that I must call home. My only constants have been God, Ryan and Ashlyn...

One can never say enough about the One who holds our lives in His hand. He has been a constant source of security for us, a shower of blessing has never ceased over us and we continue to know that we are walking the path He has set for us at this time. The UK is where we are supposed to be. Ryan has only spent 2 days looking for jobs and has so much positive response it's blowing our minds. I know, without an ounce of doubt, that all will work out so well for us. The peace that comes from knowing that God is going before you in something far outweighs any security in money and jobs and savings. The number of people that were shocked that we were selling up and moving to the UK with hardly any money to our name or any job security on this side was unbelievable but we felt God telling us to go...we've come...and now we know He will provide.

Ryan has been Ryan...I could never ask for more in a husband. He has been my rock when I've needed to cry at 3am, has pulled me together when I've started to lose the plot a bit and has loved me so much. We are stronger now than we've ever been. Ladies, if you think having a baby can strengthen a marriage, move country with a small baby then see how the cords of your marriage pull you tighter together. I respect Ryan more now than I ever have for who he has become through all of this. Do you ever find at times that you cannot love your husband enough for him to know how much you really care for him and to show him how proud you are?

hen it comes to my little Ashlyn. I'm going to pull out every cliche in the book but she is the most beautiful little girl in the world. The smile she gives when you first pick her up out of her cot in the morning, to the way she bashfully tucks her head into my neck when a new person gets her to smile. The way she loves her vegetables in the evening but scrunches up her face when we've tried to get her to eat some fruit (will upload the photo evidence of this in the next day or so). I love how sometimes I am the only person she wants, I love how she cuddles her pink bunny when she falls asleep at night, I love how she hates tummy time but loves to be on her tummy in the bath, I love her little personality, I love how she feels so secure in Ryan's arms and I love that she's my daughter.

I look at my life sometimes and wonder what I could have possibly done to be blessed with a man like Ryan, who not only loves me but finds me attractive and wants to be with me (preggy belly still present and all the tummy stretch marks to accompany it), and what we possibly could have done to be blessed with such a perfect child like Ashlyn (when we're such flawed individuals). All I know is, I don't want to jinx it...why try spoil something with questions and my own insecurities when it clearly makes me the happiest I've ever been.

Packing up...

2009-02-17T18:56:00.000Z

My life has been packed into four suitcases. These suitcases are four years of marriage, nine months of pregnancy and four months of motherhood. One would think that there would be so much more. My untouched blog has been added to this list, which is why I’m writing again after so long. Many an idea has sat in my head for a few days but a busy baby has kept me from putting it onto ‘paper’. All of our furniture was taken to its new homes last week, our tickets and visas are in my handbag ready for use and Ryan is working his last two weeks. I sit at my MIL’s desk typing this, our home until the beginning of March. Ashlyn is asleep, for who knows how short a nap, and so I’m stealing a moment to type.

I still cannot believe that we’re at the point of “no return”, so to speak. All we’ve cherished, saved our pennies to buy, spent hours budgeting in order to afford has been sold or given away. All our monetary worth has gone into buying visas and tickets for the unknown…We are so excited! (For those who don’t know we’re moving to the UK on the 14th of March)

Once you become a parent and you’ve dealt with a lack of sleep, endless crying and your entire heart and soul becoming putty for the baby you hold that you’d do anything to protect you begin to feel invincible, as though you can take on anyone. I cannot fathom how my capacity for change and challenge has grown. I was scared and timid when we brought Ashlyn home; worried I’d break her, possibly emotionally scar her for life, least alone be a bad mother. But through trial and error, I’ve realised that God created children with no memory of the first few years for the very reason that as parents we have no idea what we’re doing and its probably good that our children don’t remember those bad days. I’ve learnt that you have to be hard-core, have conviction and put your pride aside so that you can apologise when you’re wrong.

So, our four suitcases are taking us into yet another chapter of the unknown…one that we believe will grow us even more than parenting us, one that is making us leave the security of our home but entering something new that I’m sure will get me blogging again, if simply to keep in contact with all those that we will be leaving behind.

Best bet, watch this space – if I start to get lazy, give me a kick up the bum!

Precious moments

2008-10-09T10:48:00.000+01:00

On Your Parenting, one of the forums has been on the best things of pregnancy. I have had a few things that I've really enjoyed but this morning has come out tops as my favourite moment of the last 36 weeks.

Ryan and I have had dedicated "cuddle time" every morning for who knows how many months now. I sit back and he basically lies with his head on or to the side of my belly and he chats to me and to Ashlyn before he has to get ready for work. We've done it so that Ryan can have a chance to bond with Ashlyn pre-birth and also to help familiarise her with Ryan's voice. It is definitely one of the things of this pregnancy that I am going to miss the most. It's been such a good time for us all to bond. Ryan loves it when he gets kicked in the cheek or nose and "teases" Ashlyn to do it again. Never seen him get so excited as when he feels his daughter kick.

This morning, was no different from any other morning. After breakfast, Ryan put his head on my belly and we started chatting. There were a few little kicks, a wiggle but no big ones as usual. Ryan's cell rang and he moved away to answer it. Almost immediately, Ashlyn pushed her entire body in the direction of where Ryan's head had been. I assumed she was getting comfortable and claiming back some of the space "dad" had taken up. Ryan finished on his cell and rested his head once more on my belly. His phone rang three more times after that and after each time he moved away, Ashlyn did the same thing. Pushing her body into the space where Ryan had been. Now I know some will just say that she was taking back her space but I personally think that she was "looking" for her dad.

For me, that is such a precious thing and for Ryan it made him feel so special. I think it can be quite difficult for men to see their partners pregnant and to be so detached from so much that is going on. This morning, I could see that it made Ryan feel a bit more a part of it and that Ashlyn knew who he was. I can't wait now to see father and daughter sitting cuddling on the couch or during bath time and I daresay, I can't wait
for when we're pregnant with our second child so I can relive "cuddle time"

Life and Labour

2008-10-03T09:19:00.000+01:00

Work is an absolute drag. My boss and her son have been at each other all morning. I burst into tears during the second fight (which happened before 10am). So glad that I'll be finishing up soon. I love my work but I'm just not coping in this environment any longer. Looking desperately for an opportunity to speak to my boss today and let her know I want to finish up next Friday...

Almost 35 weeks now...and it's all starting to feel a little overwhelming. I walked into the spare room yesterday afternoon and just got flooded with emotions. So much is going to happen in the next few weeks, things that will change my life forever, change my marriage, change my priorities. Felt for a moment that I was completely unready for it but then after a good cry, the excitement came back.

My dreams are now being controlled by my subconscious and the anxiety I feel about when I'll go into labour and whether I'll know it's actually happening. All the articles I've read have said that you just know so I'm trusting that I will...but my brain doesn't know much these days.

A few nights ago I dreamt, I went into labour and we barely made it to the hospital. I climbed on the hospital bed, there was a popping sound and the baby shot out across the room. The umbilical cord following, was making the sound of rope being pulled very quickly. The medical staff in the room had to run across the room to catch the baby...

Then last night, once again I'd gone into labour but this time it was taking much longer and I was walking around the labour ward. Outside the hospital I could see lots of midget cavemen running around. They were, apparently, being rehabilitated into the modern world, but some were still quite wild and kept running into the labour ward and having to be picked up and carried out by the medical staff. Never did see the baby arrive in this dream.

I'm not even hoping that there can be an explanation for these apart from me constantly thinking about what sort of labour I'm going to have...wouldn't it be funny if there actually were midget cavemen on the day?!

My Own Polly Anna List (inspired by Margot and The Glad Game)

2008-09-25T11:36:00.000+01:00

I had the greatest of intentions last Tuesday to write my own Polly Anna/Glad Game List, after reading Margot’s blog but then the dreaded cold/flu/sinus infection/swollen glands hit me and I have been man down since Tuesday night, last week. Feeling very sorry for myself, I came to work today, otherwise salaries wouldn’t get paid, and I was reminded of the list and that mine is long overdue.

Must say, just thinking about the things I have to be thankful for has lifted my spirits. Its horrid how we can so easily get caught up in all the small things that are going wrong and ignore the many big things that go right all the time...(this is no order, just as a thought has come to me, I’ve written it down)...

1. I have had a “text-book” pregnancy. This being my first pregnancy, there hasn’t been the slightest concern of a miscarriage. Literally, as the books and web pages have said I should feel something or experience something I have. Little Ashlyn even weighs exactly what the guides say she should. At 32 weeks she was just under 2kgs. There have been no complications. No extra visits to the gynae. No health problems. Ashlyn is healthy and active.

2. Ryan and I have never been closer. We had an awesome marriage before falling pregnant but now, I really feel like this has brought us even closer to understanding a little bit more about what love really is (sorry for those who don’t appreciate soppy)

3. My pimple prone skin has been mostly clear for the last 34 weeks. The occasional hormonal spot has been seen but my normally oily skin has had a matte finish that apparently has me glowing.

4. I have a good excuse to be “blonde”. If I make a mistake I blame it on the “preggy brain”.

5. I can take a nap whenever I’m tired, not cook supper, ask for a foot rub and get away with it without feeling guilty.

6. My moods are all excused and the hormones are blamed.

7. So many people have shown they care with the things they have given us, are lending to us and the things that they say.

8. I HAVE A BABY GROWING INSIDE OF ME! I am so blessed to be given this opportunity. I’m going to be a mommy!

9. Strangers smile at me, children stare at me, people move out the way for me, I’ve even had one lady offer to carry my groceries...(I could make that 4 things but I’ll put it as one)

10. Ryan wants to cook now to let me put my feet up – the man can make a mean cottage pie.

11. Chocolate is a part of my staple diet, along with jelly, vanilla ice-cream, peanut butter and hot chocolate and I haven’t put on any extra weight from the consumption of it. My gynae says Ashlyn is like a “parasite” she’s taking everything from me as fast as I’m eating it.

12. I’ve met so many other pregnant women and moms through antenatal classes and www.yourparenting.ning.com

13. Ryan thinks I’m beautiful, even when I feel like a beached whale /sunbathing hippo.

14. Some women are jealous of the size of my chest.

15. I had no morning sickness.

16. You have a baby shower, with lots of special people, great presents and awesome food.

17. Your Facebook status can be completely random or repetitive (like when the heartburn first started and I couldn’t take it every day) and everyone excuses it for pregnancy.

18. You suddenly start to understand and appreciate your own mother so much more – miss you mom!

19. It is the coolest thing watching Ashlyn move around in my tummy. Seeing it morph and watching her little bum push out the top of my belly and being able to run my hand down the left side of my belly and know that I’m almost touching her.

20. I’ve had the greatest dreams since being pregnant. Being a super-hero has been fantastic!

21. I’ve got to really see how amazing Ryan is. Watching him grow more and more excited about becoming a dad and seeing the little things he’s starting to do to prepare our home for the new arrival. Ooh, I can’t help but fall more in love with him.

22. Baby hiccups! Watching my belly bounce up and down over and over...it’s the funniest thing!
This has been too much fun, I reckon if I didn’t have to go home now I could keep going...I’ve got such a huge smile on my face!

44 sleeps and counting! I’m so excited!
If you’re reading this, write your own list, pregnant or not, it’ll make you feel so good about life!

Substitution

2008-09-16T09:02:00.000+01:00

After spending 24 years, actively pursuing the desire and need to be sexy and attractive (because, isn’t that what all women want to be seen as), I’ve spent the last 8 months striving to be comfortable and sufficiently clothed (ie the super big chest not popping out of the top that I wear and the protruding mid section remaining covered). I’ve substituted the strut in my step for a waddle and I wonder if my chest will ever look the same. Friend’s husbands have commented on the size of it, some friends have openly said they envy it and my dear husband has been caught frequently staring at it!

I have seen some of the photos taken from my surprise baby shower on Saturday...the word “cute” and “piggy” were thrown into the subject line of some of them. Last night after my bath, I noticed that stretch marks are appearing on my belly ( 32 weeks with none and over night I have half a dozen) and we won’t talk about what the rest of me looks like, Ryan called me cute this morning and that was the final straw. The hormonal tears came streaming down my cheeks and I sobbed “I don’t want to be cute anymore!” I want my strut back, my perky boobs and natural cleavage, my size 34 waist, tiny ankles and stretch-mark free skin. I want to substitute all of these things for what I used to look like. Ryan in his wise way, and being the only one who can talk sense into me when I’m hormonally-challenged, told me that I’m not the same person I was 8 months ago and what is happening in me is amazing. I’m pregnant!

Once I had calmed myself down and was alone for a bit, I realised that as much as I am unhappy with the way that I’m looking, my vanity and pride are of the least importance right now, there is a child growing inside of me, my own flesh and blood, someone who will be completely dependent on me once she is born, someone who I already love unconditionally and would do anything for. I can’t say I’m now going to embrace the next 8 weeks and marvel at the physical changes that have taken place to my body but I am just going to take each day as it comes and remind myself constantly that plenty women have done this before me, none of them are deformed from pregnancy, their bodies look normal and many have voluntarily fallen pregnant more than once and I am privileged to be able to bear a child.

Thank goodness for all the hormones that helps a mom forget what she goes through during pregnancy! Thank goodness that I can’t substitute for the sake of my own pride. Thank goodness that pregnancy is only 40 weeks!

The anticipated baby shower

2008-09-15T09:31:00.001+01:00

My wonderful surprise baby shower happened on Saturday, where I was thoroughly spoilt and made to feel so special. The number of women, the thought that went into the presents and the kind words in the cards made me feel like I was one-in-a-million. I never realised how many awesome friends I have. I tried yesterday to write an entry thanking everyone for how special they made me feel but I honestly couldn’t get the words out and the ones I did type, didn’t adequately express how I was feeling. I'm trying again this morning and still words aren’t enough. As long as everyone who came and those that put the afternoon together know how grateful I am, then I’m happy.

It’s official, baby showers are way more fun than a birthday or kitchen tea!

Possible Destruction of Earth and Pre-birth blues

2008-09-08T10:44:00.000+01:00

Arrived at work this morning, already feeling sorry for myself due to a cold that I just can’t kick to be told by my boss that Wednesday is considered by some to be the day that the world will end because scientists are going to try recreate the big bang that “supposedly” caused the world to come into existence however many billion years ago they claim. http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,418204,00.html

I have a few problems with this,
firstly I don’t believe in the big bang theory (anyone wants to argue with me on this, please “bring and come” I look forward to a bit of a scrap),
secondly, why are scientists being allowed to conduct experiments that could destroy all of mankind simply to try prove a theory. Why are they not being declared insane and locked up?
thirdly, I’ve got enough on my mind to now have to plan for my possible death! Although at times, pregnancy does feel like death looming, especially when the GP recommends Panado for all pain and fever (do they not understand that Panado does diddly squat for adult pain!)
fourthly, I’m not even being given the option of taking the day off if it might be my last!

Reports are saying that the destruction of the earth could take up to a few years but surely there are enough of us that would rather not know if the Big Bang theory is true in the interest of sustaining human life.

At 31 weeks pregnant, I have enough on my mind – finishing up work, trying to complete my diploma, heartburn, sleepless nights (that the WebPages say are “good practice” for when the baby arrives – hold me back, I’m going to smack someone!) and hormones that have me crying or spitting-mad over the silliest things never mind the fact that the due date is drawing closer and the reality of my “goodies” being radically stretched is now not just something I have to think about but understand is going to happen to me.

Honestly, could these scientists have not shown a bit more sensitivity towards all the pregnant women in the world who have bigger things to worry about and contemplate than how the world came into existence, although if you ask me, it’s pretty self-explanatory (Read Genesis)!
So, to all those who read this, I wish you well over the next two days just incase we don’t make it through Wednesday...to the scientists who just can’t help themselves but risk the lives of everyone on earth [this section has been deleted for the use of vulgar or obscene language]...

Velma...the third!

2008-09-04T09:48:00.000+01:00

For those that have been reading my blog, you may be aware that I have been having a recurring dream where I am one of the characters from the Scooby Doo show (namely, Velma). Well, last night yet another dream occurred and I couldn’t help myself but share it...

I, as Velma, decided I was tired of being a dark haired nerdy looking girl and went for a make-over complete with a boob job, change of hair colour to blonde and extensions (looked a bit like a long-haired Marilyn Monroe). I was a babe! Daphne became insanely jealous and wouldn’t have anything to do with me for the rest of the dream (obviously because I was a better looking blonde than her).

Anyway, this dream’s mission involved fairy tale characters who had “come out” of their stories and had turned evil and were terrorising people, destroying homes and generally vandalising the town that Mystery Inc were in. I had the task of dealing with Snow White, who also didn’t like how attractive I was. She was targeting garden nurseries and turning all the plants into white rose bushes and had the ability to make plants come alive and take the shape of giants (kind of like the big trees from Lord of the Rings) so they could destroy fields. Unfortunately, I have no idea how I saved the day as I woke up before the mission was completed. I can only assume that with my incredibly good looks and brains I was able to outsmart her and outlook her!

Just wish there was a website somewhere that could explain to me why my psyche so desperately wants to be Velma!

Celebrating life

2008-08-27T10:08:00.000+01:00

Apart from the heartburn that has gone from unbearable to now “does hell exist inside me?” (even my ears are burning and my eyes are watering) things are so good with the pregnancy. Ryan is getting more excited by the day, before we go to sleep every night he tells me about all the things he’s can’t wait to do. He’s turning into this big softy who can’t wait to have a daddy’s little girl. He played “last touch” with Ashlyn last night where he poked my belly and said “last touch” and then Ashlyn kicked me where he poked. It kept the two of them busy for ages. Every morning and evening he lies with his head by my tummy and chats to Ashlyn for ages. I feel like I’m living in a romantic, family movie – everything seems so perfect.

But, at some point something brings you back down to earth – which was Monday night where we met with our financial advisor to plan what we would do with all our investments (nothing fancy just retirement annuities, unit trusts and life insurance policies) when we go overseas next year. With the obvious protruding belly of mine, the topic of Ashlyn always comes up but this conversation was very different to any other we’ve had. Most involve the celebrating of a new life, an addition to our family and all the joy that children bring but a financial advisor views pregnancy and children very differently and he saw it as an appropriate time for us to discuss our Wills and the reality of appointing guardians should anything happen to us before Ashlyn is an adult. Unbeknown to our trusted advisor, on Sunday night I’d had the most horrid nightmare about Ryan and I dying (won’t go into details about the nightmare now but I did wake Ryan up and make him promise that we’d never go to a mountain ski resort EVER!). For over 7 months our pregnancy has just been a celebration, not a time to think about death at all but in less than an hour we were faced with the reality that something could one day happen to us and our child would need to be provided for.

Up until now, Ryan and I have only had to worry about each other and in 10 short weeks everything will be different. From our financial advisor’s point of view, as soon as we start celebrating her life we’ll need to start making sure all is provided for in case of our death. Not something I think many people want to think of during such a time. Never mind being faced with the overwhelming decision of who do we trust enough to become Ashlyn’s guardians.I think, I’ve just assumed that nothing will ever happen to Ryan nor I, we’d both live to be old and grey, surrounded by our own grandchildren, passing away in our sleep with smiles on our faces...it’s frightening how the reality of life can hit when you honestly believe that everything is perfect. I'm still in a bit of shock to the point where I don't even know how to conclude this...

Who is this person inside of me...

2008-08-20T10:32:00.000+01:00

I’m not referring to the baby, although I’m starting to wonder what the heck is going on inside my tum at all hours of the day at night, but rather who am I at the moment?

It seems that the closer my due date, the more the rebel in me wants to do some things out of the ordinary. Now, none of these may seem extreme to others but to me, it’s going big! The major one that I think about all day is putting on a skimpy outfit and going for an evening of non-stop dancing at a club (something I haven’t done in at least 3 or 4 years), I’m even rebelling when it comes to my studying (I’m doing part-time and was planning on finishing before the baby arrives but I haven’t touched my books in about 2 weeks).

I feel like something inside of me wants to burst out, almost as though it is in a flat panic about what lies ahead. I’m assuming that it is the selfish-independent Cristine that up until now only really thought of herself and her husband who will now be responsible for another life. Things will never be the same in just over 2 month’s time. I will no longer be just Cristine the book-keeper, Cristine the wife, Cristine the Sunday school teacher but I’ll become Cristine the mother. The word mother brings with it so much responsibility; I associate it with wisdom, strong character and dependability.

Having found out this morning that we’re having a girl, I wonder if I’ll be a good mother to my daughter. I worry that I’ll make too many mistakes, that I’m not old enough, not mature enough, not responsible enough. Things that were never a concern up until now. I’m feeling overwhelmed. My daughter has a face, a name, we just have left to discover her personality.

I do hope she won’t be too much like me for her sake. Taking after her dad in appearance is one thing but having his personality would be a blessing to all. I can only hope and pray for that.

So, now I need to decide how to deal with the rebel in me that is freaking out at becoming a mother. I doubt a night-club would let me in looking like I am and unfortunately I cannot neglect my studies for too much longer so how do I tame this “wild child” in me? Do I ignore her and hope she’ll sort herself out or do I let loose for the next 8 weeks and find alternative ways to appease her anxiety? Wonder what my hubby will let me do?

Just for a giggle...

2008-08-19T09:06:00.000+01:00

Saturday evening, for us, was spent at the emergency vet as our 13 year old cat who thinks she is still a spring chicken, had managed to split one of her paws open and sever a vein or artery that resulted in our bedroom looking like a mass murder had taken place (picture blood on everything except the walls)...anyway, losing track here... While making 10pm conversation with the vet, as she cleaned and stitched up our cat, it jumped between the cat and our now very obvious pregnancy. The vet asked us "Is it a boy or girl?", poor Ryan who was still in a bit of shock thought the vet was referring to the cat and answered "It's a girl" with a very puzzled look on his face (one of surely the vet knows what the cat is). It was only shortly afterwards he realised the question was with regards to the belly...it helped lighten the mood so much!

How to feel like an idiot 101

2008-08-13T08:25:00.000+01:00

Please be advised that the success of this course has only been tested on women (woman) in their third trimester. Results may vary:

1. Please ensure before you enrol for this course that you are in your third trimester

2. Heartburn is vitally important to the success

3. Ensure that at least a day or two prior to wanting to feel like an idiot that you are exerting extreme amounts of energy (move furniture, carry heavy shopping bags, walk continuously up and down flights of stairs and make sure you’re not resting as much as you should be)

4. By this point, you should not be feeling 100% but don’t tell anyone, heaven forbid people think you’re a neurotic pregnant woman

5. Have plans scheduled for the said evening you want to feel like an idiot and insist when your partner/boyfriend/husband asks if you’re feeling alright to go out that you are, despite wanting to stay in bed and cry yourself to sleep

6. Head out for the evening with a brave face. By this point, you should be feeling uncomfortable but don’t tell anyone

7. Arrive at function, greet all the people you know and then sneak off to another room to try and control the chest, diaphragm and back pains that are making breathing exceptionally difficult. Don’t tell anyone you’re battling for at least 40 minutes

8. Eventually, most of the people at the function will be surrounding you all trying to decide what would be the best course of action (none present have been pregnant before)

9. Getting shipped into a car and rushed off to the local emergency room where your partner/boyfriend/husband will now be at the point of panic because he feels helpless

10. Be advised by the nurse that there is a high chance you’ll need to go to hospital but in the mean time some tests will be run on you. The staff should then proceed to wire you up to an ECG machine, be taking your blood pressure, listening to your breathing, checking the position and movement of the baby

11. After about half an hour, the doctor on duty will inform you that it is in fact a combination of over-exertion that has been aggravated by heartburn. Be scolded for having not been taking the third trimester advice of resting as much as possible more seriously. You should be prescribed a dose of Gaviscon, some Panado and bed rest in the almost-sitting-up position

12. Head back to the function to collect your belongings that got left behind in the mad rush to get you to the doctor and advise all the guests still there that it’s your own fault for not taking the warning signs more seriously. Voila – you officially feel like an idiot!

To feel even more of an idiot, follow the following steps:

13. On the drive home, apologise profusely to your partner/boyfriend/husband for allowing something like this to happen and for wasting people’s time and money. Doing this while crying will make you feel like even more of a idiot.

14. Upon arriving at home, find you can’t stop crying because you can’t believe you made such a silly call – idiot status increases!

15. To make the idiot status even more profound, carry your feelings over to the following morning and begin step 13 all over again.

Having said all of this, I did receive a phone call from a good friend this morning who had a baby earlier this year and she told me she would have reacted in exactly the same way so I’m not feeling so bad now.

Dreams and Onions

2008-08-11T08:17:00.000+01:00

What a weekend...Saturday night I had the craziest dream that has turned me obsessive about having the baby. I dreamt that I was watching my belly move around and “Poppy” stretched my skin so that he/she was outside the womb but still in the womb, if that makes sense. My skin had stretched over his/her body so that I could see all the details of the face, the arms, and the legs and was able to hold him/her. Poppy was so tiny, the head was smaller than the palm of my hand, the nose was a cute little button-type. There were noises all around and Poppy would lift his/her hand to the ear and stroke it and I’d explain what the sound was. Then Poppy did the same to the mouth and I realised that he/she was hungry so I went and ate something. Then I woke up! The dream was so vivid that by lunch time yesterday I was on the verge of tears because I so desperately want to hold my child now. 13 weeks to go and I feel like I’m losing my mind with excitement and anticipation. I’ve had many moms tell me that I mustn’t wish my pregnancy away and I should enjoy what’s left but I think that it might be easier to say that when you’re on the other side of the birth. For me, November seems months away. I was worried towards the beginning of my pregnancy because Ryan and I were going through some issues with work and finances and I felt a bit like the pregnancy was a burden. I felt I wasn’t bonding with the baby at all and hardly spoke to Poppy, despite all the books and magazines saying it was good for both of us. I couldn’t bring myself to it and would often cry over the circumstances that we were in for the arrival of our first child. If only I’d known I would go to this extreme now....

As for the onions story, I bought these awesome hamburger patties on Friday afternoon and we decided to have them for supper last night. Got in the kitchen and started frying up the onion rings – not more than 5 minutes into it my ears became blocked and my vision went blurry. I pushed through until I thought I was going to throw up and called Ryan to continue. He finished up the onions and I started with the hamburger patties. Repeat of the earlier with the onion rings had me in the bathroom with my head over the toilet (sorry for the visual). Ryan finished up supper and the saddest part; I couldn’t eat my hamburger that I’d been looking forward to since Friday.

Later that evening and this morning, I find out from various women that it’s common to not be able to handle the smell and taste of onion. Great telling me now but Friday would have been better!

Alas, Ryan took most of the burgers to work for lunch today (lucky bum).

Velma ?!

2008-08-04T09:30:00.000+01:00

Upon, FINALLY, reaching the third trimester I am thrilled to know that I now have less than 100 days to go until I can hold my little “Poppy”. Could 40 weeks go any slower? One of the things that has kept me sane and provided countless hours of enjoyment has been my dreams. I’ve always had very vivid dreams, some I can still remember from when I was a child, but since being pregnant I’ve been able to recall at least 5 dreams I have a night. I have found though, that none of my dreams have stuck with what they (the men in white lab coats) say I should be dreaming about in each trimester. I’ve had a similar dream twice now, which even just for the sake of entertainment, I’d like to share with you, but if you think you can give a bash at explaining it to me that’d be even better.

In this dream, I am Velma Dinkley from Mystery Inc (The Scooby-Doo Show). For those who aren’t familiar with the show or the characters, here is a link to check out: http://entertainment.howstuffworks.com/how-scooby-works2.htm

In the first dream, Mystery Inc had captured a Chinese programmer who was trying to take over the world with a brain-washing programme. While Fred, Daphne, Shaggy and Scooby are flying to our secret location (in the Mystery Plane) I have the programmer tied up in a basement and I am trying to seduce him into telling me what code he had written the programme in so I can cancel it. I’m being all sultry, talking in Chinese, while I’m making my already-quite-a-min-skirt even shorter and pulling my jersey off my one shoulder to reveal the black strap of my bra...as I’m about the kiss the programmer, I wake up!

Last night, I was Velma again and this time Mystery Inc is on an island, during summer holiday, where people are reporting seeing their twin running around. Turns out that the villain, who is trying to blow up the island, has a side-kick who is a shape-shifter. The villain is using the shape-shifter to turn into people on the island so he can access free supplies to build the bomb. As fast as Mystery Inc is closing in on the villain, his plans change and we lose him. I, as Velma, realise that the shape-shifter has kidnapped the real Daphne and has been posing as Daphne in all of our meetings. We put a plan together where we tell “Daphne” our plan, which isn’t really our plan but a diversion, and I then follow “Daphne” back to the villain’s hide-out. Once there, I find the real Daphne, untie her and while she fights the shape-shifter (still in the form of Daphne) and the villain, I get to the bomb just in time to disarm it and save the island from devastation.

So, what do you think?

The belly!

2008-07-29T07:46:00.000+01:00

Sunday evening at church, my useless bladder made it half way through the service before I couldn't take it any longer and needed to head to the loo. As everyone stood up to sing, I made a sudden duck along the row I was sitting to get out as quickly as possible, almost knocking the two people I had to pass with the amount of space I took up but what was most embarrassing is that I knocked someone in the row infront of me, on the back of their head, with my belly. So embarrassed, I didn't even stop to see if they had noticed...

Yesterday afternoon, wonderful Ryan took me to one of the local clothing stores to see if we could find me some very much-needed clothing as I'm slowly running out of items that fit over my belly and keep all the necessary parts covered...I was a little anti about buying maternity clothes, as we're on a tight budget with my pay cut and half-day, so I decided I'd do everything in my power to find normal clothes that could work that I can wear after "Poppy" is born too.

After finding some things that worked I was so excited as we headed to the till to pay...on the way though I spotted something else that I quite liked but didn't stop to look at. When we realised the specials we'd found, I decided to go pick up the thing I'd seen and add it to the bag. There were two routes back to this said item - the short way and the long way. I decided, being as lazy as I am these days, to take the short way, which was between two accessory stands. On approaching, the space between them looked much bigger than it actually was, I started through and got STUCK! My pants caught on a hook behind me and my belly knocked the stand in front of me consequently shaking both stands - my hands were flying to catch falling objects while I was attempting to get out of my sticky situation...Flustered and highly embarrassed I ran/waddled to the item I wanted, grabbed it and sheepishly took the long way round back to the till...

Pregnant women, I believe, should be kitted out with a sensor (similar to those on the expensive cars that beep when you are too close to another car or pole) except on the pregnant women it will be able to measure the route in front of the pregnant women and determine, with sufficient time, if she will be able to fit through a gap. If not, it should provide an alternative route or beep very loudly to warn the preggy belly that she will get stuck. It would have been a lifesaver for me the last two days in a row...

Birth...

2008-07-23T10:21:00.000+01:00

Having had 6 months so far to contemplate the arrival of Ry’s and my first child, I have gone from one extreme to the other with what type of mom I want to be, what type of dad I want Ry to be and how involved I want other people to be in the first few weeks...the big change has been what type of labour I want.

Before falling pregnant, I dreaded the idea of labour – all that pushing and screaming and people eyeing out “my goodies” while a baby was coming out of them. I had already decided that I wanted to go under general anaesthetic, have an elective caesarean and not feel anything...

That changed upon falling pregnant and for a moment in time (probably a month or two) I was adamant about natural labour, no drugs, au natural all the way! I watched a few episodes of Birth Stories, on DSTV, got completely freaked out by the women and their wild eyes, animal-like noises and the occasional woman who seemed to go instinctual cavewoman and figured I could do all of that. I did worry though about the affect it would have on the way Ry sees me...plus Sandy kept sending me articles and pictures on c-sections that grossed me out.

Then you hear the horror stories about natural. Yes, there are plenty of good stories even from those who are induced but it’s the horrific ones that seem to plague your thoughts...

Which brings us to 24 weeks and 4 days pregnant. The book-keeper/administrator/PA in me loves lists, organisation and for everything to be planned...I’m having a change of heart and am thinking about having an elective Caesar.

Now before all the women’s lib type start seething and getting highly irritated with me and threatening to never to talk to me again, I believe I have a choice in this. Above all, the safety and health of Poppy and me is most important when Poppy is born. In no way do I want any harm to come to either of us, due to stress or complications. I do not think of myself as being selfish for wanting to do it this way. In fact, I feel a peace about it... much more than I did about natural. I understand that natural labour is a wonderful thing that many women have wished was an option for them but just as much as natural is an option, so is a caesarean. I’ve also read all the articles about the benefits of natural labour versus caesarean (so please, no one send me these articles – I’ve read them already!)

The csections.org webpage states clearly that “If you are researching your childbirth options, this section tries to provide a balanced high level list of the positive and negative aspects of both forms of delivery. The two methods are very different and carry some identical risks and some very different risks. It is your feelings associated with the positives and negatives that should inform your choice, not pressure from other people.”

There are many reasons for wanting to have an elective caesarean:
1. Most of our family do not stay in Durban so a planned delivery date will help get as many of our family close to us as possible – especially since some are leaving SA for good around Poppy’s actual due date and I’d hate for them to have left before Poppy is born.
2. Ryan has very limited leave days due to him this year, if we plan the arrival of Poppy, we can make the arrangements for unpaid leave for Ryan and not have to worry about the financial implications of him missing work
3. I won’t have to worry about my job. I can let my boss know what is going to happen and when it is going to happen and my replacement can be planned for in adequate time.
4. My mom can book her ticket for her trip out from the UK and be here as close to Poppy’s birth as possible.

With 15 weeks and 3 days to go, it is very likely that I may change my mind again – isn’t it wonderful having choices in life! I will do more reading and researching, I will explore my many options but at the end of the day, around the beginning of November, Poppy will have to come out somehow. I just want to make sure that it is the right way for the both of us...

The blog with no name...

2008-06-12T08:09:00.000+01:00

I’m having one of those weeks where I seem to only go from one of two moods to the other – grumpy and absolutely spitting mad. Poor Ryan has had to deal with an atomic bomb that could be set off any minute for sometimes the smallest thing.

I’m so over my job and the people I work with (Lord, give me grace for these people). There are so many things that are just so pear-shaped about this place – my salary and day gets cut, half the staff have been told not to return to work unless they get a phone call (and so are also not getting paid) but the boss’s son who I haven’t seen do any work in three weeks gets to sleep til 9am and then watches tv for the rest of the day and his salary is still peachy! Here’s a spiteful side to me, he got a speeding fine this week and I’m so looking forward to taking the money off of his salary at the end of the month. My boss (who has finished her chemotherapy and is so not as sick as she’s letting on) has decided that the only way she speaks to anyone is to either shout at them or talk down to them – I have to bite my lip every time she even breathes in my direction. Her poor maid just gets shouted at all day “Olga, where’s my eggs for breakfast!” “Olga, why haven’t you done this?” I feel for the poor girl, she’s worked for my boss for 6 years and gets treated like this. I was asked yesterday about when I plan to take my maternity leave (was such a release to tell her that I may be resigning and not just taking leave) so she has the nerve to try lay a guilt trip on me and tell me that with her health like it is, I need to tell her as soon as possible because it’s going to take time to replace me. My contract states that I only need to give 2 weeks notice so that guilt trip had no effect on me whatsoever!

I just keep telling myself that I only have 21 weeks til the baby is born (rounding up a bit and that’s if I make it to my due date) which means I only have 19 weeks of work left (Finish up end of October, unless Poppy makes an early guest appearance)...I can do it! As long as I keep my head down, my thoughts to myself and focus on the baby and getting my diploma done I can do this. The world is full of injustice, that is a reality I should soon just accept and not let it get to me.

Ryan is being amazing! I couldn’t have asked for a more supportive and understanding husband. I really wish there was a way I could put him on public display with a sign that reads:
“Here is the most awesome husband in the world! Women look at him and envy me, men just try to be like him!”

He’s blowing me away with the way he listens, tries to help and sometimes just gives me a back rub without even asking. He lets me cry when I need to, lets me vent when I’m as grumpy as I’ve been and then lets me eat chocolate (cos he knows that it fixes any problem I have).

I feel so much better now...venting is a wonderful thing!

My first encounter with an abortion....

2008-06-04T08:30:00.000+01:00

I know a lady, let's call her Sarah, who works for someone else I know, let's call her Mary. Sarah's husband died a few months ago and according to her traditions and culture, for her to be able to come out of her mourning period she has to sleep with another man (what!) - this brings some sort of blessing upon her. Well Sarah slept with another man, about 8 weeks ago...and lo and behold she got "knocked up"! Sorry for the use of a crass term but that's what happened...

So Mary is not too chuffed that Sarah is pregnant and has now paid for a drug, to be couriered down from Johannesburg, at a cost of R1200, that aids in miscarrying (a "less obtrusive" way) and I get told to keep everything confidential....stuff that...According to Mary, the foetus is only 6 weeks old anyway, barely there...

I remember being 8 weeks pregnant. I remember seeing the heart beat, seeing the little "arms" and "legs" move and realising that there is a life growing in me. Regardless of its size and age, it's a human being doing everything it can to live! Even the tail is starting to disappear at that point...it's a baby!

The dillema comes in with that Sarah already has two other children with different fathers, she barely knows how to take care of herself let alone cope with a third pregnancy and child and so Mary thinks she is doing the foetus and Sarah a favour by purchasing the medicine...

I am a witness to a murder! My gut aches thinking that nomatter how much I try to fight for the life of the foetus, Sarah will listen to whatever Mary says and do it...Everything in me hates being included in this, just through knowing what's happening, I wish no one had ever said anything to me about it.

Been a while....

2008-05-09T10:39:00.000+01:00

Only reason for this post is because my mom sent me an email this morning saying that she was going to pop onto my blog to see if I'd added anything new...and I suddenly felt bad for being so slack.

Life has been crazy to keep it simple:

My half day has been confirmed from the 2nd of June - pay is being cut by R2000.00 but Ryan and I are choosing to not stress and panic but to rather trust that God is doing something or teaching us something...and the peace that comes from that is amazing!

Baby is still growing, belly is growing...all is well...we couldn't tell on Tuesday what it is yet so we're going to have to wait at least 8 - 12 weeks but it's worth it. Ryan is doting on me like I'm made of crystal. Our marriage has never felt like it's in a better place before. He speaks to my tummy in the mornings before he goes to work asking Poppy to be good and then he gives my belly a kiss...it's very cute.

Studying is plodding along. I'm almost through the first of the four modules - submitted two fo the four tests for marking - got 98% and 73% which I'm really chuffed with. Let's hope I can maintain those marks!

It's the weekend - Ryan wants to go baby accessory shopping but I'm quite keen on sleeping and doing as very little as possible but I should probably embrace this opportunity when Ryan is willing to brave shopping centres. Fatherhood suits him!

Last night's dream....

2008-04-17T08:03:00.000+01:00

Had the weirdest dream last night but it served an amazing purpose...
I dreamt I was in hospital after delivering twins (one boy, one girl). Whilst sitting in my hospital room just staring at the babies, I noticed that the boy kept vomiting. I looked out the window and saw Franc and Sandy arriving to visit so I knew I had to get my little man cleaned up quickly so I picked him up and walked out the room to find a nurse to help me. As I walked out the room, the hospital turned into a shopping mall, when I turned around to walk back into my room, it had turned into a boutique. I ran to the nearest person (all the while holding the baby and wearing a hospital gown) and asked him what had happened to the hospital. The man told me that it had moved to a lower floor and all I needed to do was catch the lift down and I'd be back where I needed to be. So I hopped in the lift with a half naked African lady (no idea what the significance of that is) and pushed the button for the floor I needed. The lift ended up flying out the building and I was being whisked around Hillcrest (like the lift in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory). Eventually the lift stopped on the floor I think I needed but when I stepped out, the room became an airport...and then my alarm went off and I woke up...never having made it back to my other baby or my room.

Driving to work this morning I was thinking about all of this and I realised it was the first time I saw myself holding my own child. My baby, no one elses...my own flesh and blood. There was such an excitement that came over me knowing that in approximately 30 weeks that image won't be a dream anymore. I've been excited about the pregnancy but this for me seemed to bring it into a perspective I hadn't seen it in before. I think how I'm feeling now is how I'm supposed to be feeling. I find words can't describe the bond I suddenly feel with my growing baby, the gratitude I have towards Ryan and the wonder I have at this whole process...I just hope that I keep on having dreams like last night's one!

The First Scan

2008-04-09T09:39:00.000+01:00

Had our first appointment yesterday with our gynaecologist where she took the first scan. What a relief it was for me to see the little life, hear the heart beat and actually see one of the little “arms” move up and down. I’ve been doing so much research on what goes on in the first trimester and I’ve heard so many horror stories about women miscarrying, going to the gynaecologist and they can’t see anything that my first glimpse of the little life left me speechless. I expected myself to cry – but all I could do was giggle. I was so excited to see the baby move. The best part for me was having Ryan there. I think the pregnancy became real for him – all he’s had to go on is me moody, weepy and always hungry...he got to see what it’s all for. I definitely know it’s made a difference because he gave me and then my belly a kiss good-bye this morning and he said “I love you both!” It was so special because I’ve seen that he’s felt a little detached for the last month. I’m wondering if he’s going to go into shock now that he’s realised this is all for real! Hee hee...

The scan was so much fun! Ryan got to see more than me, which I think is perfect! The monitor I had to look at was mounted on the wall and about a metre and a half away, Ryan’s face was about 30cm away from his monitor, so I didn’t actually see the little heart beating (Ryan could see it) but I did hear it, which right now is all that matters. Poppy is quite a wriggler (which I’m sure anyone would be if they were in this nice dark space all day and all of a sudden a rather bright ultrasound light was shone on them) so we didn’t get a very clear photo but getting to watch “him” move is all that matters to me right now.

The best part for me about yesterday was when the gynaecologist told me that I’m actually a week further than we thought. I’m 9 weeks, not 8! I personally think that is God giving me a little treat because he knows how I hate to wait for things...I’ve started looking at the pregnancy in percentages. Yesterday morning we began the day on being 20% of the way there (8th week of 40) and by the end of this week we’ll be 25% (10th week of 40). That is fantastic news to me! My new due date is 11 November. I’ll be honest it totally throws me on what was the date of conception, I honestly thought I had it all figured out...oh well.

Next appointment is in 4 weeks...can’t wait!

The trouble with food and being pregnant....

2008-04-01T10:49:00.000+01:00

I decided to do some investigating as to how much extra food I’m actually supposed to eat now that I’m pregnant and always hungry. My curiosity was spurred after Saturday morning’s breakfast that consisted of 1 x bowl of muesli (male portion), 1 x bowl of Pronutro (yet again male portion) and 2 x slices of cheese on toast...and I was still hungry so I waited an hour and then tucked into left over cottage pie from the night before. When I asked my mom-in-law what was normal and I told her how much I was eating, she got a little worried and said I should be careful not to overeat cos I’ll never lose the weight after having the baby....I shrugged it off, initially my ego being bruised at the thought of ever being fat, but then thought maybe she has a point and so my quest for yet more knowledge about pregnancy began....

My entire world was shattered yesterday (I find no other way to explain how I felt) when I read an article that I shouldn’t be eating anymore than I did before being pregnant; another said the extra quantity of kilojoules/calories that I should be eating is the equivalent of 1 x peanut butter and jelly/syrup sandwich per day!!! Does anyone realise how little that actually is? That is nothing in the great scheme of starvation and deprivation! I’m eating like a horse then....give you an idea, this is what my lunch was before pregnancy:

1 x cheese and tomato sandwich (two slices of bread)
1 x low-fat yoghurt
1 x muffin

Now:
1 x cheese and tomato sandwich (two slices of bread)
1 x peanut butter sandwich (two slices of bread)
1 x low-fat yoghurt
4 x provitas
1 x apple
1 x packet of chips/crisps
1 x whatever else I can find to try help me get through the day (maybe a muffin, cheese with my provitas, left overs from the night before...literally anything I can find and stick in my bag before I leave)

Now, from what I’m reading that’s way too much. You might be asking if I’m still eating breakfast and supper...DEFINITELY! unless of course my stomach is sitting in my throat (again)...plus over 2 litres of water a day as well (to try stop me being so hungry).

I don’t know what to do!!!

Pregnant and looking for work....

2008-03-25T09:22:00.000Z

So, the day I decide to be optimistic and positive about the future and everything that lies ahead of me and my pregnant body my boss announces to me that "the company" is considering putting me onto a half day as there is not enough work to warrant me being in the office a full day and the business is struggling, so cutting my salary would be the obvious answer...I'm not perturbed about the whole half day thing as I agree that there isn't enough work for me and I get so bored in the afternoons, what I am worried about is how am I going to bring in the missing part of my salary that Ry and I desperately need every month. What company in their right mind is going to hire me to work AFTERNOONS ONLY, keeping in mind that I'll be wanting to go on MATERNITY LEAVE in just under 8 months. I think Ry and I may be faced with a bit of a problem...

The new widget in the corner

2008-03-20T07:35:00.000Z

Thank you Sandy for finding the new Widget...

The great thing about this one is that if you click on it, it'll load another page that will tell you all about what's happening with the baby, what's happening with me and what the father-to-be is going through.

It's great!!!

Hard to think that the baby is now the size of a grain of rice (2mm)...

Is something wrong with me...

2008-03-19T11:36:00.001Z

Ok, it’s official. I’m starting to think that something is wrong with me – in my head that is.

I honestly thought it was natural for me to be feeling a little scared and bewildered by the prospect of a baby entering the world, the fruit of mine’s and Ryan’s loins now being in human form and needing attention and care. I’m worried about my pregnancy. Whether everything is going according to plan now and if everything is going to keeping going ok. I wonder if I’ll make it through the first trimester without complications.

I started to wonder about this last night when Sandy saw a bottle of strong painkillers and a pack of tampons in my handbag and when she asked why I had them I told her it was a precaution just in case something goes wrong...her response, which was so Sandy was “That’s a rather negative way to look at your pregnancy!”

I agreed with her but I thought at the time, and still do, that it was me being careful to not get too attached to my growing child just incase...the worst might happen...

Then, my boss told her mother (who’s come to stay for the long weekend)* and when she asked how I was feeling I mentioned a little scared and nervous, she replied (as only an old woman can) “Don’t be silly, carry on as normal, there’s nothing to be scared of, you’re just having a baby!”

So, I’m now at the point where I wonder if I am over-stressing myself for no reason. But is it wrong for me to be careful, after all this is my first pregnancy and you always hear about how many women miscarry on their first pregnancies? Am I causing more harm to myself stressing about something that doesn’t need to be stressed about or are my concerns valid? Dammit, I really wish that there was a concise guide to being pregnant that dealt with all the little things that the countless webpages, magazines and books don’t tell you. All you read about is what to be careful of and what to avoid. Far too often do they tell you what is normal, what emotions are common and how not to stress (I really need that guide)! Thank goodness for this blog otherwise I’d have nowhere to put all of this down and it would all just continue to swim around in my brain...causing me more stress....

Please...I desperately need some advice here!

*I work from a home office.

The truth about pregnancy....

2008-03-14T09:36:00.000Z

Well, tomorrow will be the beginning of my fifth week and boy the last 5 days have been awful...I've taken things too personally, I've hurt other people's feelings, I've confused Ryan to the point where he doesn't know if I'm happy or sad, suddenly most of our church knows about us and all the while I don't feel pregnant or look pregnant.

I'm so scared and frustrated and when I tell some of my friends, they look at me like I'm nuts - like I'm supposed to be elated and so ready to become a mom. I'm petrified. Sunddenly realising that in 35 weeks time I will be responsible for a life freaks me out to tears.

I wish my mom was closer, she'd understand, give me a hug and just let me cry. I've had moments this week when I don't feel ready at all for any of this. Please don't get me wrong, I am so excited that it's finally happened for us but I think the reality of all of it is starting to sink in.

Told my boss this morning and, to my relief, she was genuinely excited for Ryan and I. She even gave me a hug and said she'd look through her books to see if she'd kept any of the ones she bought when she was pregnant. That's a huge load lifted.

To Nat, I'm sorry my friend if I've been self-absorbed this week and neglected you. I'm sorry I haven't supported you in the way you've needed. I promise I will make it up to you.

To Sands, thank you for your chats this week and letting me know I'm still normal. Thank you for putting up with my moods and sensitivity this week.

To my hubby, who I know won't ever read this, thank you for taking such good care of me. I know that you're going to make this pregnancy as easy as you can for me. I love you!

Poppy....

2008-03-11T09:13:00.001Z

What a whirlwind the last two weeks have been...after my body showed all the signs of us having not fallen pregnant yet another month, it turned out that all of the symptoms were in fact my body telling me I was. The whole thing feels so surreal. From the home pregnancy test showing up a positive reading almost immediately to the doctor examining me and not even running pregnancy tests because he was so sure of my pregnancy to booking my first scan for 4 weeks from now. I'm so tempted to go buy some more home pregnancy tests just to try prove to myself that it has really happened this time...I look back at my previous entry and wonder if possibly it was the beginning of the hectic pregnancy hormones. Ooh, I've been a difficult woman to live and work with over the last week or so.

I have affectionately titled this entry "Poppy!" because I found out this morning that the little one doing it's best to grow inside of me is about the size of a poppy seed (1mm)....and seeing as Ryan and I want to keep the gender as a surprise, our little one will remain Poppy until birth.

What a struggle this thing has been for us. After 3 years of no contraception, to 6 months of wondering if something was wrong with one us, tests showing everything healthy to now seeing our prayer answered...I'm struck dumb by the sheer awesomeness of this whole thing...

I can't believe it's now Ry's and my turn...we considered keeping it a secret until I was a little further along but we're just so excited that we want to tell everyone!!! We can't wait...our land lord arrived last night (just after we'd decided to only tell a select few). Ryan chatted with him for a bit before I entered the room and the first thing said to me was "Congratulations!" Ryan just blushed and gave me the "I'm sorry I couldn't help myself" eyes. We've decided that we'd rather tell everyone that way no one feels left out and that if something does go wrong (God forbidding) we'll have so much support to help us through.

Telling the parents was quite exciting:
Ryan's mom was the first to hear - she burst into tears in my arms, sobbed like a baby and then proceeded to ask when she could start buying baby clothes...her boyfriend called later to tell us that Ryan's mom has already bought some pink clothes (we're hoping for a boy)
Ryan's dad was next - he just kept laughing and saying "well done my boy!" to Ryan (wanted to mention that I'd be the one doing all the hard work over the next 9 months)...his girlfriend texted us later to say she would start knitting baby clothese asap.
My folks called much later that evening from the UK - my mom squeeled like a little girl, my dad sounded so proud and my brother and sister kept making rude jokes about naming the baby "turnip head" (personal family joke). So typical! Miss them so much during this time. They stay so far away - will just have to make an effort to send them pictures.

Now onto the tricky part - letting the boss know....anyone have a good way of doing that?? I'm open to any suggestions!!!

My time will come...

2008-02-27T11:56:00.000Z

Here’s where the bitter and vulnerable side of me comes out...the emotional rollercoaster of wanting to become a mother is one that no woman can ever prepare you for. The feelings that come to the surface and the judgemental thoughts can frighten even the most sanctimonious of women.

After 6 months of trying to fall pregnant I feel like I don’t have the strength to keep trying...emotionally, I don’t know how I’ll react if this month proves to be yet another unsuccessful attempt. The words that are being said to me are the same ones that I said to others not so long ago before the desire to be a mother became so strong. If only I’d known then the hurt that these words caused, I wouldn’t have been so quick to say them.
“Your time will come”
“Don’t stress about it, stress makes it harder”
“Maybe now isn’t the right time”

Those words can send me to tears in less time than it takes for me to inhale the desperate breath of a woman needing a shoulder to cry on, rather than mere words.

I find myself being so critical of the mothers I see when I’m out. I compare myself to them and wonder how it is that they got it right. I find myself thinking things I shouldn’t, the jealously rears its ugly head and leaves me wondering how it is that there is such an ugly side to me. Why them and not Ry and I? We’ve got the steady income, secure marriage, godly foundation...what are we missing? Life is not fair!

Some days are better than others. Today is a bad day. Every twang or pain I feel in my body I wonder if it might be early signs of pregnancy but then I realise in more certainty that it’s probably not because it’s in all probability too early in my cycle for me to be experiencing anything. Tomorrow may be a better day...

I’m trying to hold on to the words “my time will come...and it will be perfect!” and that when I look back on the trying and testing prior to falling pregnant, I will be able to see God’s hand upon Ry and I and His preparations for the blessing of a child. Maybe I should make it my mantra until I really believe it!

My hands are shaking
The tears keep coming
I hold desperately to the grace I have received
I trust in a God who knows me
The One who understands my inner-most thoughts
The One who hears my cries
A God who will one day answer my prayer...

What a lovely country South Africa is...(The irony kills me)

2008-02-19T09:01:00.000Z

I hate to say this but I’m reaching the breaking point as to how much more of this country I can take...yes, there’s a beautiful climate, and wonderful sites and a diverse group of people but when in one day the news headlines read as below, you’ve got to wonder where things are going! Ryan got home from work yesterday and one of the first things he said to me was that he’s so pleased I have a British Passport and that we don’t own any property that would slow down us leaving...this from the man who never wanted to leave South Africa. One of Ryan’s colleagues was telling him how on Sunday night while watching a BBC Documentary on the state of South Africa, his wife started to cry for fear of where things are going. It’s heartbreaking knowing that all I want to do is leave the country I was born in, raised in and have most of my childhood memories in. It’s frightening to think that one day I may be unable to bring my own children into the country to show them where I was raised...but it seems to be the reality of today! (all headlines courtesy of news24.com)

Killer 'must enjoy family life'
2008-2-18 21:52
A high court judge ruled that a murderer and robber don’t deserve life imprisonment because of their disadvantaged background and poor schooling...this was decided when a 35-year old man, who murdered and robber a woman, in her driveway was sentenced to 40 years imprisonment but will only need to serve 19 of those. Because the murderer had 4 children and he came from a disadvantaged background, he was sentenced lightly. Ironically, the woman that was killed was said to have “always championed the cause of the disadvantaged when she was alive”, by her friend.

'I just collapsed'
2008-2-18 23:16
The spokesperson for the Potchefstroom mayor has killed a 14-year old boy while driving under the influence of alcohol, on Sunday. Get this, his bail for the accident was R500.00

'Drunk' held for raping girl, 7
2008-2-19 07:30
He told the police he was drunk and did not know what had happened.

'I am leaving this country'
2008-2-19 07:55
Said by Razelle Botha just before she was discharged from hospital after being shot 5 times at her home, 2 weeks ago, during a house-breaking. She’s just completed matric with 8 distinctions.

Streetchild 'used' for sex
2008-2-19 07:55
Restaurant manager in Jhb has been charged with rape after he paid a 16-year old boy to have sex with him. When the police arrived at the man’s house, he answered the door naked!

Gunmen open fire on car outside Durban school
2008-2-19 09:09
No details available at the moment but basically 24 bullets were shot a car parked outside Hillary Primary School this morning. The two people in the car were both injured.

Cristine and the Caterpillars (A true story)

2008-02-01T11:46:00.000Z

Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl named Cristine (I have the right to poetic licence here) and never had she ever tried to harm a caterpillar or butterfly, in fact she’d marvelled at their ability to change from a caterpillar into a butterfly...

One afternoon (Saturday 26 January 2008) while attending the wedding of her step-sister-in-law (Ryan’s dad’s second wife’s daughter), a hairy caterpillar fell from the tree that she was standing under and landed in her hair...in the middle of the ceremony Ryan (Cristine’s incredibly handsome husband) had to, as quietly as possible, try and flick it out of her hair without causing a scene...it has done and nobody thought anything else of it...

A few days later (Thursday 31 January 2008) while closing the curtains of her lounge, she noticed that her selection of Arum Lilies that she had been meticulously trying to grow for months, had all of their leaves removed, almost as though someone had taken a pair of scissors to them and hacked away...devastated she ran outside to try see if there was any way of identifying who had done this so cruelly! To her shock there were three of the ugliest looking caterpillars she had ever seen EATING her Lilies... they were working their way down the stems of the Lilies because there was nothing left of the leaves to eat.

Without much time available, she hopped into the passenger side of her car so that her and her incredibly gorgeous husband could make haste to a meeting that they were already running late for...while raising her hand to lower the sun visor so she could check her hair before entering the meeting she noticed....yup, you guessed it, ANOTHER CATERPILLAR, except this one was small, hairy and bright yellow...With a few sheets of paper and lots of screaming and squirming the caterpillar was removed safely from the car but the last week’s experiences have left Cristine in a bit of shock!

************************************************************

I would just like to state that I’m not sure why caterpillars are picking on me at the moment...but could they please stop! I can’t take it anymore!

P.S. The picture looks similar to the ones on my lilies but not exact...as soon as I identify it, I'll post a picture...

Becoming a godmother...

2008-01-17T08:31:00.001Z

It became official at 2:30am this morning - I was no longer going to be the Cristine who's only responsibilty was:

1 x husband,

2 x dogs and

1 x cat...

I added a 1 x godchild to the list!

I'm not even the mother of Savanna Rae but the emotions flowing through me at the moment are unbelievable. I'm already feeling jealous of others that will see her before me, I'm already feeling rather selfish about the time I'm going to have with her tomorrow night and in the future...I'm feeling a little pathetic and wondering what the heck I'm going to be like with my own children.

I'm so proud of Sandy for being as strong as she was last night - her and Franc have done so well! From the photo you can see how beautiful little Savvy is...what a precious sight! I'm also feeling so honoured that Franc and Sands would consider Ry and I a suitable pair to be the godparents to their first child...I'm just so overwhelmed.

So, anyone reading this who may be a fellow god-mother, I would appreciate any advice or words of wisdom...especially how one day I may have to say no to someone so precious and beautiful as my first godchild!

Good Ol' South Africa

2008-01-16T09:13:00.000Z

It’s 10:40am while I sit and type this. The electricity has just come back on after the 3rd power failure this week. It’s being referred to as power shedding for those living outside of South Africa. The power shedding involves different areas losing electricity for 2 hours at a time. In the 5 days that Ry and I have been home from the UK we have been in 5 power failures (two on Monday). We’ve heard of countless motor accidents due to traffic lights being out, business’s are not functioning because nothing works and worst of all, during the power shedding, there is no access to a good cup of tea (unless you work for my boss and like her they’re willing to light a fire and boil water over it). It seems everywhere you look and everyone you talk to is so pessimistic about the future of the country – from politics, to electricity, to the crime levels and the cost of living (why did no one tell us how much petrol went up in price in two weeks?) My boss has even asked when Ry and I will be immigrating…

BUT, despite this, all Ry and I could think about nearing the end of our trip to the UK was getting HOME, back to our church, our friends, our pups and cat…be back in one of the most beautiful countries in the world. Be back in the place that I believe it is a privilege to live in. Standing in church on Sunday morning, watching the congregation worship and seeing people waving flags and dancing as they praised God, I realised then that God has put Ry and I in such a spacious place, where we are free to serve God however we want, we are free and secure to meet on a Sunday with other believers without fearing for our lives! Yes, there may be crime and in order to be a politician you need to have little education, a criminal record and know how to “toyi toyi”…but right now there is no other country I’d rather be in.

Ry summed it up perfectly this morning when we were praying – “Lord help us to have the same hope for South Africa that You have!” I think I’m going to give it a try…

Contemplating Christmas

2007-12-13T09:16:00.000Z

I must be honest that I’ve been a little caught up in all the festivities and traditions that Christmas brings with it...but between last night and this morning I’ve had a bit of a change of heart.
We received a message from Ryan’s mom just after 8pm last night to say that her brother who lives on the South Coast has developed cancer and is in hospital. It’s been said by the doctors that they don’t expect him to last to the end of the year – they’re just helping him with the pain and seeing what happens. It got me thinking last night...he’s not a Christian and it broke my heart thinking that he’s lying in a hospital bed, on the edge of death and probably not sure what is going to happen to him. What a joy it is to be saved and know that when I die all my pain will be gone and I will be in the presence of God forever...sobering thought but got me thinking about how much am I really doing to see those that I love come to know the freedom and joy that comes from knowing Our Creator, Our Redeemer, Our Saving Lord.

Then, when I opened my devotional the pages were all about remembering what Christmas is really about. In Uruguay, Christmas day is called Family Day (a day for families to get together). The page I read this morning was about a guy named Juan who, when he was near death, became radically saved and came to understand that Christmas is actually about: celebrating the gift that God gave to us and remembering Jesus’ birthday...how many of us can honestly say that during this season the one thing they remember above the present lists, the food to buy, the holiday celebrations, the days spent at the beach or round a pool that what we’re supposed to be celebrating is the message of Christmas? I felt truly convicted this morning. After almost 18 years of knowing Christ as my friend and saviour, I’ve forgotten the real meaning behind it. I’ve been caught up in mince pies and Christmas lights.

It gives new meaning to John 3:16 “For God so loved [us] that he gave His One and Only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Just something to ponder....

The pressure....

2007-12-12T13:38:00.000Z

Well, here goes nothing - the world of blogging is a little foreign to me...I'm not even sure where to start...

I recently stressed my concerns of something like this to Nat Lucas due to my nature of over-sharing, so this will probably NOT be a blog for the faint-hearted or easily offended...might bring a few giggles from time to time when I'll write something that I'll regret but only a few hours later when I'll share it with Ryan..

My thoughts are often written into my notebook that I also put verses I've found during my bible-study time in the mornings but I guess I'm always open to putting them down somewhere else as well...who knows, this might be therapeutic, possibly even liberating...

I'm writing this in the last 15 minutes of work...so it may seem disjointed but I'm hoping with practice to get into the swing of things....

I think the common theme that will probably run through this will be what goes on in my head that most people often don't even know about - hopefully it'll not only do me good, but be a source of inspiration to other women of the same age possibly going through similar things in life...Here's hoping you'll enjoy it!